Sex Talk With Tahiry -- Featuring Tyomi Morgan-Najieb
And we are baaaaaaack people!!!! I’ve been traveling, enjoying life and taking some time to myself which is why I haven’t been blogging in.
Because Sex Talk With Tahiry did so well, I decided to team up with my girl Tyomi to try it again. This time you all submitted questions without me even having to ask again, which was cool.
This time we’re getting a little more in depth and addressing issues that women need to come to terms with and improve. Simply because it’ll make us feel better and will make us better!
So, I sent the questions over to my girl and Sexpert Tyomi and she dove right in… Whether you’re struggling with body image, stress from work, tired of the same sex positions with your partner or even feeling out of shape… We have some good advice and answers for you… Check them out below:
"I'm feeling kind of insecure about my body which makes me stay in my head during sex. I'm constantly worrying about how I look, or if he's just doing this for 'charity'. What can I do to have a better body image during sex?"
Tyomi: The first thing I suggest that you do is take responsibility for how you feel and leave your man out of this. If he has not come to you and expressed is dissatisfaction with you or your body, then the thoughts that come into your head that suggest what he thinks about you aren't true. They are simply stories that your ego makes up to cast fear and shame into your sexual experiences. If your man wasn't attracted to you and if he didn't want to have sex with you, he wouldn't. Secondly, I would suggest practicing a moment of celibacy to focus on building your self esteem. Continuing to have sex while holding on to negative thinking about yourself will do nothing but cast more guilt into your experiences. While celibate, make the time to journal and examine the thoughts that come into your head about your body. Are these your own thoughts about yourself, or are they opinions and programming from society that you have adopted as your own thoughts? If you open your eyes and take a look around at the people in the world surrounding you, you'll realize that all bodies are different and you aren't alone in feeling how you feel.
If there is something that you don't like about your body, choose healthy ways to change the things you have control over. Getting into a movement class to connect to your sensuality, getting massages, changing your diet to give your body what it needs to operate at its best, and spending more time in the nude embracing your body are tools you can use to help you move through the insecurity you feel. Also, share your feelings with your partner and ask for support. Whenever you're feeling disconnected from your body and in your head about how you look, state the mantra "I am not my body. My body is here to support me." Your partner is in love with your heart and your spirit...it's your content (your spirit/heart) that matters most, not your body. Take the emphasis off of your body being the definition of who you are and remember that you are in control of how you feel and the experiences you have. And a better body image during sex can not be established without you having a good outlook on yourself in your every day life.
"I have a hard time letting go and it's starting to effect both my love and sex life. Often times I have a hard time even connecting with others because I'm constantly thinking about life, work, etc., I feel the same when I'm having sex, I can't even enjoy it because I start thinking about random things... I even find myself just talking regularly during the act... What should I do?"
Tyomi: You need to breathe and learn how to relax in general. Your love life and your sex life being affected by your resistance to relaxation is just a symptom of the real issue here, which is stress. Most people experience high mental activity daily with an activated flight or fight response. Your mind is always going to be moving and creating if you do not control it and tell it to take a chill pill. You are in control of your mind, body and spirit so begin acting like it! I suggest doing 10 minutes of deep breathing at least 3 times a day to help your body activate its rest and digest response. You should practice these breathing meditations once in the morning, once at lunchtime and once in the evening when you settle at home after your workday. To practice, sit in a quite room in a comfortable position with your feet flat on the floor, your spine straight, your eyes closed, your tongue resting on the roof of your mouth, and your hands resting in your lap. When you inhale, you want to take deep, long breaths through your nose expanding your belly as you fill it with air. When you exhale through your nose, push the air out of your belly and bring it back to its normal resting state. Breathing deeply brings more oxygen into your blood, sends energy to your spaces of focus and gets you out of your head. While you are meditating, you may hear voices or see images pop up, and that's okay. Don't judge the thoughts, don't engage with the voices, just let everything be as it is and be a quiet observer of how your mind works. Doing a few deep breaths before sex is helpful too. If you have a difficult time with finding the willingness to be consistent in practicing this, reach out to me for assistance.
"Every time I have sex with my boyfriend he only wants to have sex in the 'doggy style' position, what can I do to get him to switch things up?"
Tyomi: Remember this before anything: you can't GET your partner to do anything. Your partner has to have the willingness to open up and try new things in order for your requests to be honored. What you can do, however, is advocate for what you want by having a conversation before sex happens again. You can send a text message with a few pictures of positions that you want to try and send a caption that requests for him to put you in that position the next time you have sex. You can buy a sex position bible or guide and look through it together to spark a conversation about new positions to try. You can also send him a voice message with your requests and formulate your message like an erotica snippet. You can write out a short story that is based on a scene you want to perform with him, or write a short erotic poem stating how you want him to cater to you sexually. You can also make a request to get on top, or move yourself into a new position while you are having sex.
Communication is key. When you approach your partner about this, avoid implicating him of any wrong doing. Your pleasure is your responsibility, and if you are not speaking up and advocating for what you want in the bedroom, it's not his fault. It's your own. Tell him what you want (example: "I want to face you when we make love so you can suck on my titties while you're fucking me"). Make a request and not a demand so you are always honoring his sexual autonomy (example: "Can you get on top of me, please?). When the request is honored, say thank you as a form of gratitude for receiving what you want. Some men will use the same positions consistently because its the one position they know they can perform well in. So be prepared for fear or resistance to come up if your partner has an attachment to doggy style. You have to be willing to teach an old dog a few new tricks so don't be afraid to take the lead.
"I'm trying to get my girlfriend to do a little more. Not that I'm comparing her to the last girl I was with, but its getting boring and it's making me want to do things outside of the relationship. What should I do?"
Tyomi: You can't get your girlfriend to do anything. You don't have power over her decision making. And your expectations are the main cause of your frustration, not her lack of interest. You expect your girlfriend to meet your sexual needs in a specific way, and that expectation is causing a disconnection between you. It's not her responsibility to meet your sexual needs, and likewise its not your responsibility to meet hers. Your sexual satisfaction is your own responsibility. Drop your expectations and accept her for who she is now and where she is in her sexual journey. Your desires to do other things outside of your relationship is normal. Everyone has those thoughts. and you need to communicate what you desire before you make a move. If your relationship has been explicitly expressed as a sexually monogamous relationship, then you should remain committed to your girlfriend and have a conversation about what you want.
Closed mouths don't get FED. Communicate what you would like to experience with her instead of harping on what's not happening. Your girl may be dealing with past traumas or insecurities that are making her feel reserved in the bedroom, or she may not have much experience at all. You must be able to hold space for whatever may come up during the conversation because I can guarantee you that there will be fear coming up when this topic is presented. Never approach your partner with word of blame or shame. Don't implicate her of some wrong doing simply because she hasn't met your sexual standards. She is innocent and so are you. Be willing to teach her, or to take classes or workshops together to build upon your sexual knowledge.
"What types of workouts can I do to stop getting winded or tired in bed?"
Tyomi: CARDIO, CARDIO, CARDIO. Any exercise that increases your heart rate will help you build stamina. Also, breathing correctly during cardio workouts is necessary. You can take a Zumba class, dance class, twerk class, spin class, jog on the treadmill or even take my sensual fitness classes online. I provide a series of sexy, impactful moves that increases your heart rate and builds resistance for longer stamina. Sex is a physical activity, and you must have a regular fitness routine to practice in order to see a significant difference in your performance.
"My boyfriend doesn't get hard for me. I literally have to start doing something sexual to get him to get hard. Does that mean he really isn't attracted to me?"
Tyomi: Your boyfriend's erection issues have nothing to do with you. So stop making this about you. Your expectations of how his body is supposed to respond in your presence is causing the disappointment, and it's time to let that go. Some men can get a hard on by the wind blowing on them. Others have more a more difficult time maintaining an erection. There are a plethora of reasons why your partner may be experiencing issues with maintaining erections, and the only way to know the cause is to have a conversation about his health. He could be dealing with psychological, physiological or sociological issues that are impacting his blood flow.
Erections are caused by blood rushing into the blood spaces of his erectile tissues, and anything could be the cause of that. And, to gauge your partner's attraction to you by his erect dick is a baseless guide. Your partner is more than his penis, and you're more than your pussy. Attraction is deeper than genitals responding. If you really want to know if your partner is attracted to you or not, ASK.
So with all of that being said… I hope you learned something this week. For more information on Tyomi Morgan-Najieb the Sexpert, please visit her website Glamerotica101.com and follow her on Instagram, Instagram.com/realglamazontyomi